someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
