Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
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Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
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Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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