Jerry, you need to find god
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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