He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
