That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
