Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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