You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
