I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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