Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
How external is "for external use only"?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Randomize
