walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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