You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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