hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
