I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
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He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
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Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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