I love having hate sex.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
