Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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