the condom got lost in my hair
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
