I haven't been this sober since birth.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
