Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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