From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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