New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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