After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
