I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
