Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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