i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
