Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
