when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
