By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
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fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
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And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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