My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm bleeding and have questions
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
