His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
