You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
