How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
