I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
