mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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