please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
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It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
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I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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