Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Oh god it's open bar.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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