I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
