got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
