Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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