Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
