My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
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Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
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As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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