My sheets look like a crime scene.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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