VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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