my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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