I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Randomize
