I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
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I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
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Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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