life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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