You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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