I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize