I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
