im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
false alarm, still single
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